Pre-arranged Grave Decorations
From the Director/Cemetery
Throughout America, notably in the South and alongside pre-twenty
first century churches, cemeteries are under the care of a
funeral director. The director wears several hats. The
undertaker, the cemetarian, the ground keeper, the monument builder
and setter, and the florist. Usually these cemeteries are under five
acres and all departments lie within the office of the director.
Where a church graveyard is concerned, the pastor may and may not
share in the duties. To make this arduous career as simple as
possible, the director will design the cemetery so as to accept only
flush (flat) bronze markers. This form of monument allows for lawn
mowers to drive over the graves unlike with upright monoliths which
require careful navigation. It also affords no hiding place for
animals or human trouble makers. But its best advantage is that the
director can contract with the family for decorations. At the
time of the purchase of the site choices such as from one year to
five to an on-going basis can be offered. Often such
accommodations are far more economical than if you were to attend to
the decorations yourself. The director will place artificial
flowers (especially in the South) in the vase attached to each marker
and change them when they become unsightly. A good artificial bouquet
can last upwards of 4 months in the North and 2 in the South and West.
This does not restrict you from fulfilling the need to pay your
respect with your own gift. Room both in the vase and around the
marker is almost always reserved for your personal decoration.
Pre-arranged Grave Decorations
From the Flower Shop
Not all flower shops will make deliveries to cemeteries. And I
include shops alongside major cemeteries themselves. Although those
who will not are happy to recommend sources that will. A
cemetery florist, unlike a residential/main-street shop, holds a
captured audience and often must turn away a percentage of business
to remain at a desired level of customer satisfaction. Because
deliveries require man-power and often a considerable amount of time,
a fair percentage of shops will either sub-contract the work or deny it.
Most shops will accept deliveries in all forms. Many, such as my own,
will maintain the site upon delivery, send along a photo, post the
image online for virtual visits, and supply order forms per holiday,
per request and per year. The benefit of having a shop behind you is
that custom arrangements are more the rule than the exception. And a
shop will always place the gifts with the expectation that you or
another may visit and add items besides these.
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But I’m Jewish, I Bring No Flowers!
If you are visiting a friend or relative’s grave whose site is
in an ethnic cemetery and you are not familiar with the traditions of
the culture it is forgiving of you not to bring anything for the
first visit. In fact it is traditional in most cultures, including
our own, not to do so. That is why your very first visit to a
gravesite, the flowers are brought by the funeral director only. You
come empty handed until after rites are performed. Then, in most
cases, the director will hand out single roses or carnations for you
to present directly upon the coffin or outer box.
Hebrews carry a different tradition also. Their vigils are short.
They adorn each grave as uniquely as is possible and, though they
stack bury like most others (pile one on top of the other. More on
that later.) they will place a stone marker for each individual,
whereas, others simply add names to existing markers. Traditionally,
visitors will not bring gifts. Instead a visitor will look around the
site for a natural rock and place it atop the headstone of the person
visited. This is to recall the days when shallow graves needed
constant care to fend off animals. Then visitors repaired, adjusted
and added to the cairn. Some sects will bring pebbles from off
cemetery grounds. Usually in a small bag and place the bag atop
the stone or at the head of the grave.
No one is going to chew your head off if you bring flowers to any
site in any cemetery. If you feel empty handed, bring a single rose
even to a Jewish friend. However, keep in mind that if a
cemetery for traditional or merely policy reasons restricts gifts,
they probably do not have a regular clean-up schedule or crew.
That single rose will wilt and become unsightly. Always attempt to
know the rules. As you’re a visitor, you are also a guest.
Don’t be an unwelcome one. |