A Visit Is Not A Vigil

I am not alone when offering you a stern warning about over extending your visits to the grave of a loved one. Cemeteries are parks, and as such, should be appreciated and enjoyed. And used properly. It is not a place to hold vigil. The cemetery and the grave is a symbol of giving up the dead, returning back to nature that which She blessed us with and now takes back. Vigil is kept during the funeral rites. That was the time to grieve as well as to watch over and attend to the proper burial of the one you have lost. Both religious and secular ceremonies are formulated so that the care of the body is issued from your embrace over to the duties of the funeral director and onto the eternal care of the cemetarian. (Cemetarian or cemeterian is the person or office which administrates a cemetery. It is a legal word; witness Maryland General Assembly House Bill 1113. It is not yet in the Dictionary.)Your place from this time forward is that of a bereaved spouse, relative or friend. Do not apply the vigil beyond its scope or you risk your emotional and even mental stability.

Not to say what it will do to your social life.

Remember the old yawn: They have fences around the cemetery to keep people out. There's a lot of truth in that statement. And a lot of sense. Cemeteries are highly regulated pieces of real estate. The organizations entrusted with their establishment and continuances are necessarily restrictive.  The industry and art which goes into the creation and upkeep of a major cemetery is very serious business, not taken lightly by anyone. Besides the endless details and schedules demanded of a cemetarian, there are all kinds of forces to guard against. Such as the criminal who visits to steal, especially in cemeteries where bronze markers are employed. Bronze is easily melted down and sold. Visitors' unlocked vehicles are targets for thieves as well are cemetery property and equipment. Solicitors can also be a nuisance. If anyone should approach you during your visit to sell you anything - flowers, a monument, refreshments - report them to the administration office or any cemetery worker. Such activity undermines management and places the sacredness of the park in jeopardy.

But there is one problem unsolvable by the cemetarian: the person who extends vigil. You might be approached by a concerned employee, chances are you will not be. Someone, like myself, after seeing you "hugging" a grave during my frequent trips into the cemetery in order to cut stone or deliver flowers, I might strike up a conversation just to evaluate your condition. To feel you out in order to suggest that life is "out there" not in here. But don't expect that to happen either. One thing those of us in this endeavor learn early is to mind our own business unless asked to offer advice. However, if you're handed a copy of this book from someone you've seen working around the area, re-read these two pages again - for your own good.

The extended vigil is dangerous because it slowly consumes you. The normal term of bereavement waxes and wanes from 18 months to two years. You will schedule visits after church, on weekends, with family. There will be spontaneous visits. Do not expect to have memories fade or drop away during this time frame, they will not. Expect to get emotional, especially during visits. Don't be embarrassed or hurt yourself holding back. Everyone you will meet during this time - the funeral director, the monument builder, the cemetery personal and the florists - expect you to be upset. And you'll find, whereas the others present their services with the utmost care and formality, the florists will handle you differently.  We are your attendants during the bereavement process. You 'think' we're just selling you a pretty bunch of flowers, meanwhile we are watching you, always trying to move you along and out of the bereavement phase.  You may think: but doesn't that reduce your sales and clientele? No, the clientele is endless and what it achieves is two fold; we helped create a happy and friendly customer and we enforce the sacredness of the process. By the end of the process visits are rare, restricted to holidays and sometimes only virtual (Internet) visits. You have left no one behind by evolving like this. You have simply returned fully to the world of the living where you belong.

But those who hold vigil are beyond our reach. They seldom, if ever, purchase gifts to bring to the grave. They have this sad tunnel vision which takes them from home to the grave and back home again. They often remain in their car, parked so as to see the gravesite. It is made worse, horrible in fact, when the infliction claims more than one person. Such as a couple who have lost a child and can't manage the pain. I personally knew of a couple who lost their 8 year old daughter and they both fell down because of it. They parked at section 18, range J in St. Charles Cemetery everyday - rain or shine, snow or storm - for 14 years. They kept to themselves and although everyone in my world knew of them, no one (that I know of) ever knew who they were. They are persons in trouble, unseen and helpless.

The friends we need to worry after are those who cannot afford professional help. The world is a community and we all need to hold vigil over each other, not the dead. If you recognize such behavior in friends or relatives, speak openly to them about it. They know they're stuck in their grief. Bring it to their attention that you know it also and it also affects you and is dangerous for them. If you, yourself are suffering because you just can't let go, talk to others about it. A confessor, Rabbi, friend, relative, me. Don't discount or predict what the cemetery worker or the florist girl can offer you. We're not in the business of mental health, however, it is certainly part of our business.

This book can be helpful in as much as it offers you everything there is to know about visiting the grave of a loved one. Notice it's not a very thick book. There isn't much to this. There need not be and there should not be.